September 22, 2019

What did I do today? Too often, like right now, I feel like the answer is: nothing. It is disempowering, depressing, demoralizing, debilitating, disheartening, discouraging, disappointing and all the other negative words that have somehow worked their way into my vocabulary and psyche of late. My life feels like a blur of sleep, mushy foods, medicine, doctors, researching procedures, cross-checking recommendations, making appointments, canceling appointments, going to appointments. Journaling is my saving grace, mostly about this wild process, my raw emotions and newfound perspectives, though sometimes elaborating on ideas that arise as my mind wanders, during breathwork or in surprisingly vivid dreams. For the first time, I find my news junkie self feeling overwhelmed by much of the breaking news headlines and current events coverage, seeking things that distract and entertain the mind. Truthfully, I have watched too many episodes of Friends (it’s the only thing I like right now, after finishing The Spy and Our Boys and attempting a dozen other series to no avail… all recommendations welcome, though screentime is sometimes difficult) and mindlessly scrolled through the rabbit hole of social media feeds on my dimly lit phone.

 

A friend dropped of a book, but reading is still hard with only one good eye and perpetually heavy lids. I’ve happily added more music to my day, thanks to the calming playlists sent my way by DJ and artist friends. Reading and replying to texts, WhatsApps, emails and messages is somehow a highlight — so thank you — and I promise to get to comments soon, though know that I am gratefully seeing all. If you have suggestions of other simple things to add to my days, please do share. I feel like I should be doing more, maximizing efficiency, utilizing this unexpected pause — but then I am reminded that being is enough. So I try to keep my waking hours light, present and calm, as to allow my body the time, space and optimal conditions it needs to heal.