October 25, 2019

Dammit

This trauma

Is the end of me

And it has all rushed back

With a vengeance

Physically

Mentally

Emotionally

Everything at once

A devasting blow

 

It set in so suddenly

I feel pressure on my chest

Constricting airflow

Muscles seizing

I am shaking

Clenching fists

Teeth chattering

Then jaw locked

Eyes darting

My heart is racing

Trying to breathe

Though streaming tears

Amid cries

And a closing throat

Now my mouth is throbbing again

As well as my eye

The bones

The nerves

The skin

Dammit

 

I don’t know what brings it on

I don’t know what to do

I don’t know how to stop it

Or even lessen the horror

None of the techniques seem to work

Nothing doctors say

Or therapists’ wisdom

Nor even my blessed mother

Nothing I’ve read about is making a damn difference

I am trying

So so hard

One after the other

Maybe time?

Please

 

I blame myself

For spurring this

I took a teeny tiny walk this evening

When I saw a ray of light shining though the tree

And tried to take it as a sign of joy

Then my body nearly collapsed

I sat down

I waited

I returned winded

But I was proud of myself for daring

Now I am under water

Worse off

Weaker

Darker

Hell

 

Today was my first kind of okay day

All relative

Yet notable

I was just lying here

Resting my sore head on the couch

After eating a smoothie bowl

Sipping luke warm tea

Watching This Is Us

Scrolling mindless memes

Sending happy messages

Texting a dear friend

And now

Pain

Panic

Paralysis

 

I’d been doing so well

Or so I thought

And so others said

Which made me believe

And maybe forced me to try to project that

But this fall is worse than I feared

All-consuming

Inescapable

Excruciating

Real

And I hate every piece of it

 

I can barely read my words as I type

Failing to make sense of the present

Just unconnected thoughts

Into my phone

And perhaps to the ethers

Unfiltered unedited truths

From the throws of something awful

That is not stopping

Not easing

Not dissipating

I can’t write anymore

Need to go away

To try to fight this

And/or surrender

Terrorized

Trapped

Afraid