October 28, 2019

I’m a wreck. I just got word from the lead doctor on my oral care that I need to come back in — today. Because my teeth, mouth and jaw aren’t healing as they should after last week’s surgeries, which I knew intrinsically based on persistent and new pain, but didn’t want to believe. It feels wholly surreal to learn of even more medical complications in this never ending saga post-accident. And I feel selfish talking about my personal health trials and tribulations amid a county, state, nation and globe in turmoil, especially when so many dear friends and loved ones in and around my Northern and Southern California hometown are fleeing the horrific fires and suffering without power for prolonged periods, as is the case at our home right now with nearly all of Marin County under mandatory blackout. But such is my inescapable, compounding current reality.

 

Last week, I foolishly allowed myself to believe that I’d turned the first of many corners in physical recovery, letting doctors and friends convince me of such. I cautiously set my sights on next steps for the coming days, turning to focus on lip surgery, eye surgeries, brain trauma care, the myriad of things on the long list that will make up my arduous medical journey ahead. But no, now yet another unexpected regression.

 

Amid the uncontrolled chaos and dangers of the outside world, we are all fighting our own battles within our bodies, minds and heart daily, as well as family or localized challenges and crises, the intensity and degrees of which most people will never recognize or realize from the outside looking in. I know I am blessed to have my life, my mother by my side, food on the table, a roof over my head, hopefully a home to which we can soon return, and access to excellent medical care, including a trusted doctor who is invested in my wellbeing. I write this through tears, lying trembling with the curtains drawn, in physical and mental agony, newly afraid, feeling guilty for even thinking, let alone sharing these emotions… but needing to honor my pain. And honor yours too, whatever it may be. Health, existence, safety, balance, everything is devastatingly fragile.