FEBRUARy 5, 2020

I’m going to see another doctor today — and while I don’t want to set myself up for further disappointment, I also don’t want to lose all shreds of hope. Intense physical pain kept me up for most of the night, such that I saw daybreak through my window. From pitch blackness, light appeared. The darkest of skies brightened. And the sun rose majestically, yet seemingly effortlessly. I took in the sight and fell asleep soon thereafter, with beams of light entering my room and the words of Pema Chondron being read aloud from an audiobook ushering me into a dream state.

Now I am awake once more. Why bother? Why try? Because life. Because something must break the darkness of my personal recovery journey. And in order for my body or mind to heal, I must put in the concentrated work every single day. I cannot stop; healing requires intentional effort and extended time. I don’t know where I will find answers, help or solutions — let alone which may prove useful to me — but I keep searching within myself, seeking multifaceted assistance, delving into alternative sources, open to discoveries in both traditional and unexpected places, and continuing to pursue medical and integrative options, especially doctors and paths that come highly recommended.

In leaving the house for this doctor’s appointment right now — having woken up, eaten food and gotten dressed, all unremarkable yet noteworthy achievements at the present — I am choosing to respond to challenging, negative, even crippling bodily sensations and psychological responses with concrete actions that hold some potential, demonstrate fragments of hope, reveal openings for light. Here I go.