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April 12, 2020

Can one thing cause you to reevaluate your entire life? Undermine the very foundation upon which you have built an existence? Challenge your sense of self and surroundings? Cripple you with distressing doubt, fear and distrust? Suddenly, unexpectedly and painfully?

Yes and no. A singular occurrence, moment or piece of information can certainly destabilize and send one down a wholly unknown and potentially devastating path. But the degree to which this occurs, persists or upends absolutely everything is sometimes somewhat within our control. Throughout recovery, I have acquired a diverse array of powerful tools, practically applicable learnings I am now benefiting from in the face of an unexpected, deeply disturbing moment of reckoning. Not only have I employed new techniques successfully and cultivated lasting internal resilience, but I also now feel better equipped with the knowledge to surmount whatever may cross my path — though even my worst nightmares have not thrust a thing like this upon me.

I will never know the whole truth (if there is one), never have all the answers, never be able to paint the full picture. And while I don’t posses fault or responsibility in this situation, I am stuck handling the fallout, processing the shock, making sense (?) of the unthinkable, responding to questions, holding up others, and working to find a healthy path in which to hold and contextualize this for myself as my life continues and the world keeps spinning.

Here I am amid the madness, needing to find some stable footing, pick through shreds of positivity, recognize whatever agency I do possess and remain faithful that maybe (a big maybe) one day, I will unearth one iota of meaning from this current horror — despite how foreign or impossible any such extrapolations may feel in the thick of things.

And no matter what, this one is gonna hurt, gonna cause pain, gonna really suck all the way around for a long long while.

Read more of my journey here
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