FEBRUARy 10, 2020

I give myself permission to heal. To do what feels right. To make the choices I deem necessary. And to live with the repercussions — or learn to, or try as much, or work towards that at the very least. Ideas and attempts will not always come to fruition, and certainly not in the ways I envision, plan for or deem necessary. But I will be doing. I see value in beginning to put myself out to the world and people I've been missing and making the most of these passing days and many capacities I do possess, despite the pain, fatigue, hurt, frustration, confusion and overwhelm. Although I am surely edging closer to that point, as I don’t know what will be possible when and for how long, let alone yield positive, negative or neutral results, any such reconditioning will undoubtedly require deeper courage, greater vulnerability, heightened risk, and yes, more help and patience and love.

Even with the “right” medical care, cognitive tools and support systems, there will be surefire roadblocks — and devastating blows and precarious positions and doomed crossroads and painful falls and and and. A great deal of these arduous processes have been and remain beyond my control, despite my earnest desires, comprehensive approaches, trusted intuition, outside expertise and best attempts. While I don’t yet see a larger reason for any of the horrors of recovery (and wisely gave up searching long ago), I am growing increasingly comfortable in distinguishing between that which cannot be changed — and thus demands acceptance, surrender or both — and where I should invest my time, energy and hopes to consciously choose, habitualize efforts and chart a viable course with real chances of progress on whatever front. Healing of body and brain will be the work of a lifetime, as challenging circumstances and emotions ebb and flow, resolve and resurface, diminish and surge — but perhaps it need not be all-consuming all the time in perpetuity.

The present is all we have. And with a degree of expanded understanding of acute pain and suffering I neither wished for nor wanted, I not only feel more in tune with and empathy for others and the world beyond, but also my inner being, mental frameworks, bodily mechanisms and fundamental energies. With fresh learnings, newfound resiliency and improved tools, finding my center, recognizing boundaries, and noticing rather than suppressing or responding combatively to sensations grows ever easier. In accepting, acknowledging and opening to opportunity, I am in no way saying that I am ready for whatever may come my way, that I am diving back into life as I once knew it, that I am even remotely sure of what comes next, as all are sheer impossibilities — rather, I am here. Hineni.