October 29, 2019

On the other side of fear is everything— health, wholeness, happiness. While utterly terrified about my facial reconstructive surgery, I know full well that there is no way but through— through the darkness, the horrors, the risk, the pain. This surgery is the sole path to the healing I’ve yearned for and heretofore been deprived of since the accident, thus I tell myself I can endure intense stresses, wild emotions, and a procedure that is destructive and traumatic in its very nature.

 

I couldn’t sleep, caught up in fear and questioning, so I ask: what is it that I am actually afraid of with the surgery? Mainly, the uncomfortable unknowns around how my face will function or look after the fact. I don’t fear death, rather further medical complications, irreparable regression and facial mangling. But I remind myself that with the miracles of modern medicine and rapid technological advancement today, almost anything can be fixed or revised, especially when coupled with access to quality doctors for follow ups, medications, safe spaces to recover, proper woundcare, and physical and speech therapy for rehabilitating movement and function, all of which I am blessed with. I acknowledge the validity of my fears, while trying to meet them head on from a place of grounded positivity. Faces can be transformed, eyes strengthened, speech improved, pain managed— but that’s only possible, if I dare to undergo this surgery. On the other side of fear lies vast beauty, light and opportunity.