October 10, 2019

Enough! I know not whether I’ve been trying to sugar coat things to trick my own self, because everyone keeps insisting upon the power of positive perspective, or as an attempt to turn a corner for the new year… but I can’t any longer. I just can’t.

 

Nothing is changing, everything hurts, and doctors keep scheduling additional appointments which further delays hope for discernible progress on any front, while I suffer worsening symptoms and systemic pain, especially as it relates to neurological complications, brain trauma and nerve damage. I cannot win. I keep waiting for the breakthroughs that don’t arrive — and in the process, grow more weak, increasingly exhausted, anxiously irritated and deprived of any joy. It always comes down to false hope, new problems and not even the ability to get comfortable enough to sleep or to rest or to simply be.

 

My eye burns, sockets ache, lip throbs, teeth pulse, jaw hurts, heart races, chest caves, limbs spasm… and that’s just tonight, as I lie in bed in a ball in the dark, venting in attempt to make sense of this nightmare. I can’t even cry to release stress, because that only exacerbates all of it. There is no peace. There is no happy. There is no ease. Just more physical pain, persistent trauma, mental toll, costly appointments, contradictory opinions, impending surgeries, medical mayhem, mushy foods and shockingly slow recovery. I am trying any approach, all the approaches: medicine, meditation, calming music, silence, dark rooms, gentle light, cozy blankets, fresh breeze, breath work, stretching, reading, mindless Netflix, no screens, homeopathy, herbs, hot shower, cold shower, hot soup, cold smoothie, hot tea, cold water.

 

But nothing makes a damn bit of difference. That’s the unfiltered reality right now.