March 10, 2020
What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? People ask me about next steps, future undertakings and planned endeavors more and more with each passing day — and I can honestly say that I don’t know. Actually, I do know: Being. Healing. Living.
I am entering all new territory. And despite ongoing recovery, continued growth and my very best preparations, each day is undoubtedly filled with fresh unknowns — glorious and challenging, elevating and overwhelming, exciting and uncertain. So I am working to hold space for and embrace patience within myself, despite what others may project, throughout this prolonged, unexpected journey of healing and learning.
I don’t have a set next project and am not actively seeking one — and there is beauty in that sense of freedom. I am blessed to be able to breathe, to progress, to dedicate time to the massive work of physical and psychological recovery, finally finding sustained strength amid struggle and fear. I have been trying new things (the list is endless; some stick, others fade), opening myself to greater social interaction (as feels right and is appropriate), phone calls (so give me a ring, if you are awaiting the day!), even small tasks to help people, causes or organizations in which I believe (straightforward and of a short duration). I am responding to more emails, sending more tweets and interfacing more overall, surely contemplating and entertaining ideas of what may lie ahead, albeit without applying or allowing for any pressure or stresses whatsoever. Invitations to show up, to support, to rejoin, to get involved in things and community as I am ready, at my own pace, to my own abilities are most welcome. Because thus far, having the options and opportunity to engage feels good, useful, propelling.
Healing IS happening, though nothing occurs all at once, is wholly comprehensive or unfolds in an expected fashion. I still face debilitating pain without warning, unbearable anxiety attacks and major neurological consequences from my accident. I still survey all directions for potential dangers, cannot bite into a damn thing with my front teeth, and grow rapidly nauseous in moving vehicles. But I am surmounting challenges with ever-increasing ease, capacity and confidence. While I don’t know WHAT is next (or when or why or where or how!), I am certain that oh so much more lies ahead, waiting to be discovered and explored and lived.