September 23, 2019

My brain is not what it used to be… literally. “Your brain is not reliable.” “You should have no expectation of brain function.” CONCUSSION is a word that had been tossed around by doctors since my accident, though never in a manner that seemed serious or conclusive, until now. When my head hit the asphalt, I now know that I suffered a concussion which has caused lasting brain trauma. All signs indicate it will heal, but now that much of my body’s fight or flight mode has worn off, the symptoms are all the more apparent and mental toll severe. I feel the need to sleep, crave darkness and feel levels of anxiety that are completely foreign to me. Dizziness is the norm each time I sit or stand, spotty or blurry vision doesn’t alarm me anymore, and handrails are a must on stairs. My head is perpetually spacey, memory foggy, processing speed slowed and ability to focus impaired. I get confused, irritated, even angry with heightened frequency and seemingly without cause. These sensations and emotions all come in waves, arriving when I least expect and shifting in ways beyond my control. In speaking to doctors, I am learning that all of these reactions are normal — and likely to persist for two or three months yet. Being told that “your brain is not reliable” and to have “no expectation of brain function,” meaning normal or in full, is a wild notion to listen to, process and internalize. But here I find myself and here I will remain — with a medical team and body that mandate less doing, less stimulation, less screentime, less thinking (we will see about that one…) and more rest, more calm, more sleep for full healing.