January 30, 2020

I’ve got nothing. Nothing left. Nothing more. No strength. No will. No one. No time. Maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be. Just when I thought I’d maybe finally caught a fleeting glimmer of light, hope or calm — a safe secure respite — after days of extreme physical and psychological torment, after months of misery since the accident, my body and mind not only betray me once more, but despite my best attempts at both medicating and meditating, searching and surrender, somehow plunge me further into painful, devastating, inescapable darkness. I don’t know what I want or need, though am certain it’s not this. I want out. I need out.