April 12, 2020

I can’t do it alone, but I also would never desire to burden others. Opening/sharing/asking is a gift, an art and a necessity all wrapped up in one amorphous package. And doing so for any reason in any moment with anyone is an act of immense faith and intense vulnerability. Self-help is not selfish, articulating need is not needy, revealing emotion is not revealing weakness, calling upon friends is not calling for anything unreasonable.

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Thank you to the generous souls who have given me permission to speak — in whatever way feels comfortable on this unimaginable emotional rollercoaster. Those who have held space for my processing, reminded me that there are no expectations, offered empathy and wisdom, allowed me to make my own choices, liberated me from feeling compelled to do xyz — whether I’ve replied to or simply read or listened to your words. We each get to do things on our own terms — and while I don’t yet know what that translates to in this situation, as the shock is still raw and all-consuming, I do know loving phone calls and intuitive messages invite me to engage and prompt the types of gentle exchanges that are critical in any journey of coping, understanding, healing. I’m grateful for loving kindness, displays of humanity and presence.