January 31, 2020

I am here — at least right now. I’m not well, nor anywhere near okay physically or psychologically, but am still on this earth. There’s not much more to say — which is why I haven’t replied to or spoken with a soul. I don’t want to be here — and wasn’t sure if I would be today or will be tomorrow. I don’t want to feel this — though am wholly confounded as to how to shift current agonizing realities. I don’t and did not want to wake up — because dreams are the sole place I find even remote relief from the pain, the misery, the torture that is this body, brain and life since my accident and increasingly of late. One minute, I pray that prayer carries weight, that something shifts before it’s too late, that professional medical attention helps, that alternative healing techniques make a difference, that the work yields results, that light breaks through, that others’ strength and goodness and belief in the Erin the world has known for 28 years amount to more than well-wishing words in the ethers… and the very next moment, I yearn for, call upon and surrender to any out, escape or end. I’ve lost faith. Strength. Power. Hope. Spirit. Will. All but everything. I am here — though not sure how or for how long.