FEBRUARy 19, 2020
The present is all we have. I don’t know what comes next, am making no bold moves, maintain zero definitive plans and aim to release pressure to the best of my ability. I just know that I am here, listening to my body and doing all I can without comparison to anyone else, including the me of pre-accident times, last month, yesterday or even this hour. Seeking to outdo myself from day to day is neither healthy, nor realistic, but I do aspire to continue with forward momentum and upward progress at whatever pace unfolds. Not every day will be filled with fireworks, whether majestic or terrifying, illuminating or destructive, transformative or fleeting — and I will endeavor to respond from a place of observation and acceptance, rather than overwhelm or fear. Full spectrum emotions and experiences are welcome, as they are inescapable in any life journey, particularly wide-ranging and tumultuous amid ongoing recovery. A mind healing from trauma guarantees nothing — not the worst, not goodness, not linear trajectory, not certainty — and fluctuates without warning, though need not rob me of valuable opportunities and invaluable existence. The shifting relationship with myself may be most complicated of all, one I am working to honor, for the alternative of walking away is devastating. And so I return to and connect with the present, the gift of this moment, finding a way to deal, to accept, to forgive, to appreciate, even to learn to love who and where and how I am right now.
Living in and for the present does not negate hopes for a future of beauty, meaning and service, where I will continue to strive to make a positive impact in line with passion, purpose and people. Yet it does alleviate stress. While intentional, my choices are not rigid. While clear, my decisions are not immutable. While related to others, my path is mine alone. While aspirational, my plans are not fixed. While exciting, my goals are not (designed to be) oppressive. The more I can discover ways to feel like myself, connect to that imperfect human within, trust in my process and surrender to happenings in the world at large — resisting temptation to allot value, rush anything, judge progress, force emotion, scramble for answers or second-guess — the more I can tap into, relax into, lean into my truths with confidence, focus and presence. Deep breath.