Am I Healed?
May 17, 2020
Have I healed? What a question… yes, but also no. I am healing. I’ll always be healing. I can function. I can eat. I can speak. I can see. I can emote. I can walk. I can think. I can work. I can sleep. I don’t know what triggered the curiosity (and loving questions), but in the past day, multiple people have inquired as to how my personal recovery is progressing amid the pandemic, which has led me to pause and take stock of the situation for myself. The simple fact that it is no longer all-consuming is a definite win in and of itself.
I can eat solids and chew properly, though can’t bite directly into anything without pain and avoid my still-sensitive front teeth altogether… aka apples and carrots cut up, not whole; tacos and pizza pulled apart or eaten with a fork and knife (forgive me!).
I can speak fine (finally!) and the stutter appears to have disappeared entirely, as friends have noted with excitement in phone conversations!
I can see, but stay away from bright light and wear big sunglasses and a wide-brimmed hat when outside because of the strain light poses and subsequent ocular issues (and to shield my scars from the sun).
I can emote and move my face more with each passing day, though the scar tissue masses are returning in my forehead, brow, above my eye and upper lip in a way that is somewhat uncomfortable and awkward, though not hyper problematic (yet).
I can walk most anywhere, but inclines and speed still present challenges and lead to acute, persistent, compounding pain in the same places in my head.
I can think straight, manage challenges, deal with stress and balance multiple things at once, approaching life with the same, clear, optimistic perspective I have long known to be my foundation.
I can work on projects I care about, engage reliably with teams and find great fulfillment in purpose-driven pursuits, though my professional re-entry has heretofore been digital and seems it will remain as such for the foreseeable future.
I can sleep decently, but some nights are rough due to pain and I rise daily with facial swelling that later dissipates.
Overall, I would say I'm very okay — and what a blessing that is given the horrific course of my medical recovery since September and our world of late. I have a few procedures outstanding, which, while important and helpful for ongoing healing and movement and aesthetics, are non-essential and thus have been rescheduled for an unknown future date. And the longer I can stay away from medical facilities, the happier and healthier I will be!
So have I healed? Yes. Am I healing? Yes. Is there much that still needs to heal? Yes. All can be, are and will remain true simultaneously on this journey of life.