October 24, 2019

My nose was severed entirely, then realigned and stitched it back on. My ears were cut off and similarly reconnected by paramedics… in my dream.

 

I woke with my heart racing, covered in sweat and reached immediately for my face, feeling the skin still burning from my surgeries this week and high levels of pain I have come to endure daily — and neither my nose nor ears were out of place. This recurring nightmare, but one of many, feels all too real.

 

I closed my eyes and focused on breath, channeling calming energy, regrounding myself in truth and repeating positive affirmations in my mind. I sat up slowly, waiting for the dizziness to pass, unscrewed too many pill bottles, downed a wide array of medications and finished the mason jar of water by my bedside, which singed the roof of my mouth as it went down. I winced, then my eye started spasming uncontrollably. And so I returned my heavy head to the pillow.

 

Here I lie, afraid and pained and sad. I want to cry out in frustration, begging for more than the sliver of progress I got a taste of just yesterday. I wrote this early morning, then fell back asleep until I woke again now in excruciating pain. My current reality is unimaginably hard. But I have to believe that unseen forces are in fact conspiring in my favor, or else I would have no reason to continue fighting battles morning, noon and night.