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The Balance BEtween Grateful And Distraught

November 28th, 2019

While celebrating a season of gratitude, of giving, of bounties, of togetherness, take a moment to remember those with far less, zero smiles in sight, no food to be spoken of, pained, burdened, grieving or weeping, alone without any feelings of warmth, comfort or holiday spirit. I’ve never been more grateful, yet also never been more devastated, disheartened, desperate and distraught. Never once have I failed to send messages of thanks on this day (I wholly apologize, but just can’t find it within); never once since my accident have I not replied to gracious, generous souls for so long; never once have I experienced this unfathomable, inescapable, suffocating degree of pain, anguish, fear and stress. Making it through the physical and psychological traumas of the past few days (and months) has been nothing short of a miracle, yet somehow forced me to even deeper depths of despair with absolutely. nothing. left. This is the hardest moment of my life, with no end in reach — and I know full well that I am far from the only one navigating treachery, darkness and horrors. I used to treasure gatherings and traditions with food, family and friends, but now anything I look forward to proves a let down, anything upon which I foolish think I can rely fails, anything I’m promised disappears, crumbles or reverses course. Through uncontrollable tears, excruciating hurt and prescribed medications, I recognize my blessings, I focus on fortune, I practice gratitude, I give thanks, and will undoubtedly continue all to the very best of my ability, but right now, my body and mind are struggling to simply try to survive. Still I never stop searching for the strength to be grateful for the goodness of others (and pray you all know how truly I mean that, even if unable to express it fully or consistently), certainly more so than for this wretched life of mine. I have no one cooking any meal for me, taste only a mouth full of blood, see horrific images on loop in my mind, and am shaking fearful and freezing alone on an unfamiliar couch. Just months ago, I could never have imagined my dreadful, demoralizing current reality, but now can’t imagine what a Thanksgiving could ever look like again, let alone making it through to next year, what happiness even is or a mere taste of the beauty in the normalcy of life I once knew.

Read more of my journey here. 
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