Struggling To Get Better
November 4th, 2019
I try so hard to feel good, then surrender entirely — alternating, doing both simultaneously, any which way. But nothing works, not consistently, not reliably, not enduringly. Coping with, let alone healing from pain and trauma since the accident is a complex, unknown, constantly shifting process — like all emotions, feelings and thoughts, as well as physicalities, actions and behaviors that have been impacted, jarred, compromised. Efforts do not indicate outcomes, triggers are not trackable, and progress is far from linear when there are no causal relationships, easy fixes for agony or one size fits all answers. And honestly, lying here seemingly incapable of accomplishing anything grows increasingly infuriating, albeit necessary rest. I may be gaining experience, awareness and language, as I grapple with an overwhelming influx of serious issues at such intensely personal proximity, but I am not getting any ‘better’ at perfecting some nonexistent science, any closer to discovering an imaginary answer, any wiser at discerning the right thing to do in what order. Meanwhile, interconnected physical hardships, emotional turmoil and mental betrayal persist, worsening on some fronts without warning, irrespective of supposed timelines for recovery. I am learning that what worked for someone, many people even, does not mean the same is true for me, whether in regard to medicines, techniques, homeopathy, anything… though kindness, presence and love do help. What this therapist suggested, that psychiatrist prescribed, x doctor recommended, said guru professed may certainly be worth a try, but I am still searching for those elements which will allow for the specific transformations that my body and my mind require for healing — or at least to begin, to build, to breathe, to be.