Pure Exhaustion

I’m exhausted, depleted, pained — physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, in every way imaginable. It hit me forcefully today, perhaps exacerbated by the horrific news of yet another deadly school shooting just miles away, unbearable acute pain throughout my eye socket that I cannot shake, last night’s agonizing nightmares repeatedly flashing across my mind’s eye, complete inability to speak due to stitches still in my mouth, or ‘just' the fact that neither my body, nor mind, nor soul have received even a momentary break in the ten grueling weeks since my accident. Despite the passage of time and supposed strength, tools or skillsets I am gaining from experience, expertise, treatments and therapy, enduring this pain, facing this trauma and navigating this medical mayhem is not getting any easier, especially with no end in sight, no timeline for healing, no knowledge of what lies ahead on the recovery journey.

The cyprus oil my acupuncturist used and sound bowls she played as I rested in her office this morning were surely welcome, while the carefully placed needles (far from my injured, sensitive face) sought to relieve pain and release trauma — but when I momentarily drifted off, I felt someone crash into the compromised left side of my body, invading much-needed quiet time, abruptly jarring me from any fleeting calm and triggering my PTSD. This time, the mental picture was not even of the horrors of a vehicle crash, rather person-to-person impact as I merely walked down a sidewalk, compounding my fears of the dangers in simply being around others in the outside world.

Trauma is real. And I am addressing mine through clinical psychiatry, various therapies, breathwork, hyperbaric oxygen treatment, spirituality, nutrition, acupuncture, homeopathy, mindfulness, alternative medicine and many more approaches, because comprehensive action is necessary if I do not wish for this piece of my past to ever plague my present, future, even my children. This damned trauma is deep-seated, dreadful, devastating, determined, demoralizing, destructive and dark.