January 5, 2020

I don’t know what comes next in any aspect of my life. How and when will I be and feel able to re-enter the world? In what capacity and to what degree? Will anything seem familiar or right? I haven’t a clue what professional opportunities will or will not look like, as many have disappeared (actually, not theoretically) in the near four months since my accident and nothing lies on the horizon. Nor do I know how I will begin to interface and connect with friends I adore, social circles I cherish, the communities in which I once felt honored to be included or world at large. Compounded with pain, I am hit with heavy emotions and an unfortunate resurgence of the feeling that life is passing me — everyone else is forging ahead, as I lie hurting and alone — when I see or hear from dear colleagues marching together for causes close to my heart around which I’ve worked passionately or my best friends gathered in a faraway land savoring sacred time, celebrating love and making beautiful memories. Endless unknowns and prolonged distance are frustrating, bizarre and stressful, not to mention the acutely precarious state of a divided country and globe in turmoil… and when coupled with the inescapable hell that remains from a medical standpoint both physically and psychologically, including the need for more procedures an ominous two weeks away, the weight of it all is proving particularly burdensome and overwhelming right now. I’m here, just plain sad and confused and lost.