I Am Drained

It’s 1:42am right here, right now — and I am, yet again, unable to sleep because of pain, because of stress, because of anxiety, because of who knows what. Two total strangers told me I looked “extremely stressed” and “very exhausted” today, of the whopping total of four humans with whom I engaged in any way, shape or form all day (one being my own mother). And it’s entirely true: I am drained, delirious, and depleted physically and psychologically to a degree I could never fathom, and that clearly shows, even to unknowing eyes. There are no days off in recovery, no promises, no easy decision, no set path — and I have been navigating without pause for three months, toiling, as well as surrendering, always with ample gratitude (wow, I just wrote ‘garden party’… proof that my already challenged brain is further compromised and unable to function without sleep). I’m in desperate need of real relaxation for body and mind, away from the constant grind of medical appointments and treatments and consults and followups and a repeat daily routine that while mundane, also generates ongoing unnecessary stress. Until that mythical retreat arrives, I’ll lie here in search of simple splendid life-saving shuteye. After months of health complications and now consecutive days without proper sleep (the worst stretch yet!), I don’t know much, including the coherence of my very words and wild disassociated thoughts confusing my mind in this sleepless stupor (apologies in advance!), but I do know that I feel safe and happy here in my own bedroom atmosphere, which better enables me to handle these spikes of late night anxiety amid sheer exhaustion. Gratitude. Light. Growth. And now, please sleep… 🤞🏼

And yes, apparently I put a candy cane on my bedside table earlier… which I don’t remember, but that’s nothing new. It seems fitting though, as I love the holiday spirit and found organic good-ish-for-you ones! Ah, this gets me thinking about the brilliant story behind every element on my bedside table… may it take me to dreamland!