DECEMBER 28, 2019

It’s always darkest just before the dawn, they say. Well this afternoon was a depth of all-consuming, terrorizing, paralyzing darkness that I haven’t felt in weeks, without any signs of emergent light whatsoever. Something of a respite in acute mental agony led me to believe that my brain must be healing, neurological situation improving, symptoms of trauma subsiding — all of which may or may not be the case, but does not in any remote way indicate that the throws of a panic attack, PTSD, anxiety or other episode will be any less intense, dangerous and terrifying. Case in point: today. Every part of me was wholly overwhelmed and unable to escape the horrific pain and trauma, even with support, tools and time in a safe place. Perhaps I am getting too caught up in wishing that mental and physical healing were linear, akin to the Hanukkah candles that grow brighter with each passing day, a veritable miracle ok the seventh night.