November 15th, 2019
I was supposed to go to the dentist today for another oral procedure. I was supposed to begin the next stage of realigning my teeth and jaw. I was supposed to get one step closer to my new mouth. But that is not feasible, canceled, postponed… because the stitches and wounds in my mouth are still not healing, perhaps even regressing.
I am disheartened, frustrated, hurt — and won’t pretend to be indifferent, impenetrable or invulnerable. As an inherently emotional being, I give myself permission to feel, rather than toxically avoid, oppress or deny whatever arises, especially that which is troubling. The answer is not numbness or disengagement, nor is it sugarcoating or sanitizing. Of course further medical complications and unexpected setbacks bring up intense sensations of frustration, weakness, anger, even failure. I have no shame in engaging with those difficult raw emotions, but am also learning not to overly dwell on the negative, let myself to be wholly consumed by dark forces or predicate self worth on my speed of healing.
I don’t need to reframe this disappointment about lack of progress right away, especially as the physical situation in my mouth has been increasingly alarming over the past couple of days. Unfortunately, I am living a very unpleasant reality wherein the agony, complication and letdown surrounding these unmet expectations of medical trajectory is part of a depressing larger pattern, which causes me increased stress, heightened unease and compounding grief.
Vocalizing this pain does not mean I lack strength, courage or resilience, that I hold unreal expectations of linear healing or of my body, that I need some unattainable sense of certainty or control; it simply means that feeling powerless amid yet another piece of the prolonged recover journey is exposing rightful emotional turmoil.
I maintain hope that I'll (soon) reach the day when I am ready for that next oral procedure, and all that is to follow. I just really wanted that day to be today.