I Still Love You
October 4th, 2019
I love you — but my sole focus is dealing with the situation at hand, as I am at this very moment, amid increasing medical complications, informed by all possible information, from right here in my home. Ringers are off, shades drawn, mirrors covered, bandages on, naps frequent, glasses and hat worn en route to doctors, during my sole moments of sunlight. This may not be a reality I chose, but one I must now live with.
I love you — but please don’t pressure me to come visit. I don’t want to see anyone, nor want anyone to see me. Nothing could be said face-to-face to make me feel better. What, that I look beautiful all the same? That’s a lie. That you understand? Virtually impossible. That all will be fine? Sure, someday. That you feel for me? No need for pity. To use this gift of time wisely? I’d like to see you try that out for untold months on end.
I love you — but phone calls are a non-starter. I won’t pick up, as my lip and mouth don’t allow me to speak properly, while persistent brain trauma has been impacting my ability to recall words and string them together at an intelligible pace. Voicemails or voicenotes without the expectation of reply are glorious and bring fleeting joy to wretched days.
I love you — but please don’t reach out to my mother. She is working overtime, dealing with her own health issues, looking for a new house, taking care of a daughter in need, and doesn’t need additional burdens right now. If you want to tell me something, share something, ask something, you can most certainly reach out to me directly.
I love you — SO PLEASE WRITE! I read every single text, WhatsApp, email, Facebook message, Instagram DM and letter in the mail (by all means, ask for my address!). I try to make it through many beautiful strings of comments on social media posts — and humbly thank you. I don’t always reply because, honestly, I lack adequate energy or words and certainly don’t have the time, will or strength to explain nuances, detail challenges or relive trauma. If you don’t hear back, always feel free to write again!
The very fact that my friends and community are still present, keep in touch, send messages, share wisdom, screenshot quotes, keep offering (I will say 'yes' one of these days!), follow through, don’t disappear, deliver gifts, include me in prayer and thought, simply love me for me — wow, that is the greatest gift of all. I love you.